"How to Get Through the Holidays when You are Grieving"
by Sharon M. Phillips, Psy.D.
It's that time of year again! Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah are holidays that most people look forward to. But for those who are grieving, the holidays can actually be a time of dread. The focus on happy times, family memories, and the many rituals and traditions shared during the holidays can exacerbate one's grief for the person who is no longer a part of the family. Grief can be for a loved one who has died, or it can be the result of a divorce or separation. In any case, how does one manage to survive during this difficult time when it seems like everyone else is happy?
An important thing to do if you are grieving this holiday season is to "make plans to plan." Look at those rituals and traditions that have meaning for you, and rather than assume that things need to be done the same as they always have, ask yourself 3 questions: 1) What do I need to do?
2) What do I want to do?
3) What can others do for me?
Give yourself permission to evaluate those traditions that you automatically do each year, and decide which of the above categories they fit into. Some of these traditions can be: gift giving, having a family dinner, sending greeting cards, decorating your home, baking and cooking, and attending parties. Look at each one and determine whether you do it out of habit, tradition, free choice, or obligation, and look at doing things differently this year when you are more acutely grieving. Another idea is to create new memories either privately or publicly. These may include sending flowers to a nursing home in memory of your loved one, deciding to go out to dinner or have your meal catered rather than cooking the holiday meal, drinking a toast in memory of the person, or giving a gift to another of something special that belonged to the person who is gone.
Most of all, be sure to allow yourself time to grieve even in the midst of celebrations all around you. Remember that all feelings are okay; it's how you express them that makes the difference. Know that you have choices available to you about how you want to spend the holidays, and don't feel pressured by others who believe you should be handling the holidays in a certain way. It may also help to remember that with each holiday that you "get through", you will have demonstrated to yourself that you are a survivor of handling tough times. As the saying goes, "Tough times don't last, but tough people do."
KEEPING YOUR KIDS SAFE FROM ABUSE
by Sharon M. Phillips, Psy.D.
First and foremost, make it a point to talk about appropriate and inappropriate forms of touch with your children from an early age (age 3). Explain to them that private parts are any parts of their body that are covered by their bathing suits, and that nobody should be allowed to touch these parts of their body without mom or dad knowing. Give them examples of times when such touching is appropriate (such as a doctor's exam). Experts suggest that your discussion needs to go beyond "good touch" and "bad touch" to also include "secret touch". Since our sexual organs are designed to feel pleasurable, stimulation of these parts can leave kids with feelings that are especially confusing, and "bad touch" does not do a good enough job of explaining these conflicting feelings. Teach your children that "good touch" includes hugs and kisses from people that we are comfortable exchanging these forms of affection with. Never insist that your children give another person a hug or kiss. Instead, always ask them, for example, "Do you want to give Uncle Bernard a kiss?" and respect their response if they refuse.
"Bad touch" are touches that hurt, such as a hit or a kick. "Secret touch" are touches that are done in secret. Your discussion should also include the distinction between "good" and "bad" secrets. "Good secrets" are secrets that are held for a short period of time to surprise someone in a happy way (e.g. a surprise birthday party), while "bad" secrets are those secrets that make a person feel bad, sad, or confused inside (e.g. someone touches you in your private parts and wants you not to tell).
Since the majority of perpetrators of sexual abuse are individuals known to a child, stress to your child that they should always come to you if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable. Never minimize your child's discomfort, even if it appears trivial to you, such as a child not wanting to be left alone with a certain family member or caregiver. Follow your parental instincts if there is something going on that you are not comfortable with, even if you can't quite put your finger on it. It is much better to err on the side of caution in this case.
Lastly, be sure to get counseling for any of your own past issues of abuse. Abuse tends to have a generational effect, in that frequently parents of children who are abused have themselves been victims of abuse in the past. Having unresolved issues about our own past experiences of sexual abuse can lead us to ignore or minimize the "red flags" that indicate potential signs of sexual abuse in our children. As in other forms of safety, we can best teach our children to be safe when we practice safety ourselves. In the area of sexual abuse, safety includes talking to our children about different types of touch, empowering children to set limits about who they touch, encouraging open dialogue with our children, and seeking help to resolve our own past issues. |
